Do you have a remarkably low sense of self worth and are willing to prostrate yourself for cold, hard cash for an uncaring employer who longs for a return to the days of the Victorian workhouse? Then The Noise Chap is just the company you are looking for.

The Screening Technician position

We are looking for someone to conduct health screening tests, covering audiometry (hearing), spirometry (lungs) and skin (you can work this one out) assessments.

The position is for an initial period of three years, is full time and based near Holbeach St. Marks, in the vicinity of Holbeach and the sprawling urban metropolis which is Spalding. The person will be located in their own swish office at our client’s site somewhere up along the dykes in the big cabbage fields out that way.

The standard hours are eight hours a day, nominally 9am to 5pm but flexibility is essential as the screening tests will have to cover all shifts. For example, some working of hours such as 5pm to 1am will occasionally be needed to catch the poor souls working the night shifts. We are happy to change from the 9am to 5pm standard hours if someone prefers an earlier start in the day, or if they have a bit of a dirty Jeremy Kyle habit and need their fix each morning it can start later. Although you should be ashamed of this and ponder your choices in life.

Working with the on-site HR team and Occupational Health Nurse, you will be responsible for conducting screening tests, providing written reports and advising the Occupational Health Nurse on which of your hapless victims she should focus her time on and which are OK to be set loose again. You will be responsible for managing the screening testing, deciding who is due and when and arranging for them to come into your lair as needed.

The person

While experience of this type of work is a bonus, it is not essential and full training in all aspects of the screening can be given. What is most important is that the person is reliable, able to write clear reports, can make sound judgements based on measured evidence, and can put up with the inane witterings of The Noise Chap’s owner.

Computer literacy and the ability to organise your own work in order to meet targets and deadlines is essential. As The Noise Chap is based in Tewkesbury, daily oversight is not possible and the candidate must be able to manage their own workload.

We are an equal opportunities employer and will consider any candidate equally, even people from nearby Norfolk who, rarely for this species, have timorously ventured forth from their wooded glen into the wider world.

The salary

Let’s face it, you scrolled past all the stuff above to see this bit first didn’t you? Fair enough as it’s the reason you are looking for a job in the first place. The starting salary is £22,000 per year, or a little higher for someone coming in already trained in the dark and mystical arts of audiometry and spirometry.

How to apply

Have a look around this site at what we do for hearing and lung tests, then send a CV and covering letter outlining your application and suitability to

Closing date is 28th January 2019.

And being a grumpy old chap, note that “please see attached CV” is not a ‘covering letter’ and will get an immediate pressing of the delete button with an accompanying disgruntled harrumph.